Slowly unlearning after burnout

"Nothing," I replied when Floor, from behind the counter of my local bakery, asked me what I was doing. I was doing absolutely nothing. And this was the first time, I didn’t feel any guilt or shame. It took me a year after calling in sick, not knowing I had a burnout at the time, to stop feeling shame or guilt when I was doing absolutely nothing.

My life was on pause. Everyone else’s kept going. Not the one of my friends nor family. They were having meetings, going to the gym, clocking into work, doing groceries or meeting up with people. There I was, rolling out of bed around 11 in the morning, shuffling  from the bedroom to the living room, to end up on the couch and doom-scrolling until 3 in the afternoon. The guilt was eating me alive. Tired — but tired of what? Turning from my left side to my right? Making sure my body is completely tucked in under the covers? Crying after a whole day of doing absolutely nothing?

“Are you taking enough rest?”, what is rest when you were an honor-roll member of the 5 a.m. club? Thank you, Mel Robbins for the 5 Second Rule. The shame I felt after waking up between 8 and 11 in the morning, was insane, and embarrassingly late. So I decided to fully focus on the things that I love. Because I was free, technically I was on sick leave due to the burnout but hey, doing things you love are supposed to make you feel better, right? So I thought. Not knowing that traveling back-to-back to my favorite cities, walking for 1.5 hours every day, interacting daily with the people at my fav matcha spot would eventually get me back to square one. It wasn’t until I had a talk with my new therapist. She looked at me crazy after I told her the line-up.

“I’m doing the work,” I told her. “I’m walking, getting fresh air, drinking matcha every day, reading some times and on top of that, I’m traveling.”

“It’s important that you rest”, she replied.

I kid you not, if looks could kill.

“To the point that you’re bored.”

When have I ever been bored? Annoyed, yes, but bored? Never. You’re talking to the person who was dry-scooping pre-workout and who saw walking for 1.5 hours as a fun activity. I never journaled. I never cried. The only emotions I knew were anger, disappointment or whatever I thought happiness meant at the time. Yet suddenly, I found myself crying everyday for almost a month straight after I called in sick. I cried when I was tired, I cried when somebody asked me if I was resting enough, I cried when somebody told me the name of their sister — I couldn’t tell you the name now but back then it was the most beautiful name I’ve ever heard and I even cried after saying ‘no’ to my mother cause I felt guilty.

From crying once a year, I now had a daily tears check-in with my cheeks and jawline. And I hated it. Cause it made me feel weak; I felt sorry for myself. The worst thing was, I had to write and talk about it. Growing up, you just bottled it up and went on with your day. Unfortunately during a burnout you are forced to sit in those emotions, feel it and deal with it — whether you want to or not.